i am AHHMEDICINE.

Overwhelmed, I silence my cries and wipe my eyes, destroying the evidence of my discontent. Most say that 'when it rains, it pours' and I have never disagreed but I've always given life more optimism than I'd like. The lights flicker as I write, page after page of regret, waiting for the change that never comes.

..but the only constant is change.

The only truth is hidden in lies. I want to dissever the holds I'm under so that I can finally be free and careless, just as I've always dreamed. It's sad really, finding myself sitting in the same position, legs crossed, head filled with hurt and the hope that pretends that it will someday be okay. I listen to a song called "Everything's Right" and it makes me cry. I think to myself how obvious the reason is.

Everything's not right.

Don't think you're irreplaceable.

I went to class because I had to.
Every time I skip you get angry.
I didn't want to believe that the sun is as sad as I am.
Which is why it's been hiding and the rain hasn't stop falling.
For as far I could see, umbrellas were opened, shielding the bodies of people who didn't want to feel that watery substance that makes up 60% of their being.
I had an umbrella in my bag but without hesitation I let the drops sink into my skin.
It felt good to feel something real.
I haven't felt anything for so long.

I am afraid but don't show it.
If I act strong, you wouldnt know it.

Det går alltid et tog
There is always another train.

Today--just as yesterday; same sunrise, same alarm, 10:06am, beep-beep, the unforgiving sun, the end of my nightmares, the opportunity for change--again I refrain from taking any chance. I've nothing to fear--but secretly I fear it all--failing, succeeding, living, dying--it is no matter--it's been this way for years. The only things I think I've changed are my clothes and my hair color.

The two things the need the least amount of changing, really.

The days aren't as hard as the nights--unbearable. I long to feel that warmth brush across my face. You're home. Now I'm safe.

Protected--protected from those fears that cloud my eyes--the ones that keep me from failing--and from succeeding also. But you take them away.

You say I'm too attached sometimes and that we don't always have to do everything together. But secretly, I wish I could change that about you--make you want to be around me--attached as I am to you. But it's my own insecurities wanting to change you. It's not me--I love you for who you are.

But there is that one thing I wish I could change---Me.